Okay, so I have come back for more punishment to review the second episode of Thundercats, "The Unholy Alliance." According to the Wikipedia episode guide I've been referencing, this is actually part two of the pilot, where Snarf was first unleashed onto an unsuspecting, innocent world. Those were different times, my friends. Different, Snarf-free times indeed.
Jesus Christ, the episode actually starts with Snarf saying "Snarf!" and then some other crap. While he and Lion-o are being generally useless and hanging out under a tree, the other Thundercats are plundering their ship for various supplies to help them survive on Third Earth, which Snarf observes is not much like Thundera.
Well, no shit, Snarf. Third Earth isn't in the middle of EXPLODING.
So Panthro takes a bunch of junk out of the ship and bemoans various problems that involve nonsense words with no real world meaning, and then says its important to stay calm during an emergency. The Wily twins scrounge up some food, and Wily Kat taunts Snarf with it. It's kind of awesome, really.
Tigra tells the Wilys to stop playing with their food and help haul some more crap. Unfortunately, this does not mean that they are going to eat Snarf.
Now we see an ugly green spaceship flying over head. Uh-oh, it's the mutants, and they think Third Earth is dull! Silly mutants!
Just as soon as we have a taste of the mutants, because we can't forget that there is evil and danger lurking nearby, we are swept back to the scope and drama of the Thundercats continuing to unpack, which is about as interesting as it sounds. Pathro tries to get Lion-O to help, but Lion-O shirks his duty by saying that he needs to check the place out. Stupid Tigra helps him get out of it by telling Panthro that it's Lion-O's duty to "reconnoiter" the area. And he TOTALLY used the word "reconnoiter," because that belongs in a children's cartoon.
Lion-O is pleased to get out of the boring, dull task of hauling crap out of the ship. Snarf jumps in and says that he'll go help Lion-O,and Lion-O bluntly tells him that he doesn't need a nurse maid anymore.
Wait, wait, hold on. Snarf was a nurse maid? How the hell would that even work? Isn't Snarf male, and possibly a different species? I...but...gross.
Okay, back to the plot, where I don't have to think about that any more. Oh, God, it's creeping back into my brain. Get out of my brain!!!
Where was I? Oh, yeah, Lion-O is going to reconnoiter the area. Tigra tells Snarf to hang back, and at first I thought this meant that Tigra actually wanted Lion-O to wander off into the woods and get maimed because maybe he's second in line to the Thundercats throne, but then he gave Lion-O that stupid Sword of Omens and this paw-looking thing called the Claw Shield, which I totally don't remember seeing in the first episode, but will probably be important later and become a toy that all the kids wanted for their birthday so they could smack the crap out of their younger siblings with it. Anyway, for some reason, the Claw Shield magically sticks to Lion-O's leg without any kind of fastener or adhesive.
As Lion-O wanders into the woods, Cheetara totally brings up that it's bullshit that Lion-O can get out of the hard work of getting a living area set up. Tigra totally points out that while Lion-O might have aged "galacto-years" in his pod, he is basically still just a creepy man-boy.
Now we're back to the mutants, who are scanning the planet, looking for any signs of habitation. They discover old ruins that look a little...familiar.
Slythe, the lizard/frog mutants whose name is spelled eight different ways across the Internet, gets pissy and talks about finding a site to build Castle Plundarr, so they can, you know, live in it and stuff. The mutants come across a pyramid surrounded by four pillars shooting out weird sparks and determine with their sharp detective skills that it was not built by some primitive civilization.
The sparks draw in the mutant's ship, and they can't get away! Oh, no! They crash, and then this weird shit happens:
They determine that this is the source of their problems. Slythe gets all pissy and decides to storm the pyramid. His friends Jackalman and Monkian show some trepidation, but Slythe lays the shame on thick.
Turns out there was someone in there waiting for them, and a disembodied voice tells them to just come on in. There's even a floaty ball of light to guide them and everything. The floaty ball guides them through weird-looking beetles and clouds of bats into this chamber:
The mutants puzzle of the the room for an inordinate amount of time, describing weird, animalistic, Egyptian-based statues that we can clearly see, as well as the sarcophagus hanging out in the mouth of that other carving at the end of the room. Dumbasses. Then they puzzle over where the disembodied voice was coming from.
Who is it, you ask? It's MUMM-MOTHERFUCKING-RA!
I suspect he's going to be a major villain in the upcoming episodes. The voice actor for this particular character is a bit more enthusiastic than the others I've heard so far, so I have a feeling I'm going to enjoy Mumm-Ra very much. However, I am really coming to hate these stupid hyphenated names. That's one thing I've never much liked about high fantasy novels: weird hyphens and apostrophes in made-up words and names. But that's neither here nor there. Let's get back to the evil of all evils with the most tolerable bit of voice acting attached to him.
Well, shit, my husband just told me that the guy who voiced Mumm-Ra, Earl Hammond, is dead. I'm a little sad now. Let's all take a moment of silence for him. Apparently, at one point in the '90s, Earl Hammond was peronally selected by Pope John Paul II to voice him in some audio book. That's pretty neat.
But I'm supposed to be reviewing a Thundercats episode here, so it's time to digress. It turns out that, like everyone else in the damn galaxy, Mumm-Ra has a hard-on for the Eye of Thundera. He claims he's known about it for a thousand years, which was way before anyone ELSE thought it was cool, so he's kind of like a villanous hipster.
Only hipsters generally can't do this:
Monkian, the monkey-looking mutant, threatens Mumm-Ra with calling in the other mutants, and Mumm-Ra tells him he's stupid because the mutant ship has sunk into some quicksand or something. It's really not that clear. Mumm-Ra points out that the three mutants are now forever separated from their own kind, and they have to be completely dependent on him forever and forever, which is kind of creepy, but I guess that's the point of being a villain. So the mutants agree to play along, and Mumm-Ra, clearly needing minions to do his bidding, conjures up an image in that big bubbling cauldron showing them Lion-O walking through the woods, all by his man-boy self. Then an inner monologue of Mumm-Ra's reveals that he has to pay some kind of "price" to leave his tomb. I suspect there will be more on that later.
Rather than answer uncomfortable questions, Mumm-Ra just teleports the mutants to wherever the hell it is Lion-O is wandering around so they can get the Eye of Thundera for him.
It turns out that Lion-O is just dicking around in the woods, swinging the Sword of Omens around like it's nothing.
Lion-O spots some cattle-like animals and goes running toward them. The Sword of Omens gets magically yanked from his hand and embedded in the ground, and he can't pull it out of the earth because he's not King Arthur or something.
Ghost Jaga shows up and tell Lion-O that the sword will not obey him because the sword will "never obey an order to destroy wantonly." Lion-O acts all shocked to see Ghost Jaga, even though this has totally happened before. He's just not that bright. I'm going to blame all the Snarf milk he was force-fed as an infant.
Ugh. God. It's just so...wrong.
Anyway. Ghost Jaga lays down some hippie stuff about how those cattle dealies have just as much a right to live as Lion-O does as long as their food sources back at the wrecked ship are plentiful, and that the sword will only combat evil. What is this, a lesson? Embedded in a children's cartoon show, no less! How devious!
Anyway, the sword starts acting up and getting all glowy, and Lion-O asks it if there's danger, like it's Lassie or something. He does that Sight Beyond Sight thing and sees the mutants through his magic sword viewer. When he takes the sword away from his face, the mutants are right there, in front of him. I'm pretty sure he would have gotten sight of them faster if he hadn't been waving a sword around in front of his face.
Slythe yells to the other mutants to seize the sword. Time for a fight!
Lion-O holds up the sword to do that "Thundercats Ho!" thing, but before he can finish saying "ho," Slythe puts once gross, grimy hand over his mouth to stop him.
There's more of a struggle, and Lion-O gets his mouth free without licking Slythe's hand and manages to summon the other Thundercats. Pathro sees the signal and asks the Wily twins where Cheetara and Tigra are, and they answer that the missing two are searching for a build site by Wily Kat starting the sentence and Wily Kit finishing it, which is REALLY annoying. Seriously, if someone did that in front of you in real life, you would be seriously tempted to punch all parties square in the face.
So apparently it's just Panthro and the Wilys coming to Lion-O's aid, because Cheetara and Tigra won't be able to see a giant Thundercats signal projected into the air like they did?
Pathro and the Wilys run through the woods, find Lion-O, and Lion-O tells them he's doing fine and to please leave him alone. He doesn't even thank them for leaving Snarf behind. What a turd. They ignore him and help out anyway, quickly defeating the mutants through the joyous advantage of team work!
The mutants magically disappear, probably because Mumm-Ra can see them getting their asses handed to them by Grandpa Huxtable and the Freakazoid Twins. The Thundercats puzzle over this, as there was no spaceship to pick the mutants up. Lion-O demands to know why Cheetara and Tigra didn't come running, and Panthro does not publicly denounce them as dicks, but instead also puzzles over their absence.
Mumm-Ra has in fact teleported the mutants back to his tomb and shames them for not being able to take on a creepy man-boy. Jackalman offers up the lame excuse of Lion-O having help. The mutants tell Mumm-Ra that if he doesn't like what they can and can't do, he should go out and do his own damn dirty work, thank you very much. Slythe observes that they've heard a lot of Mumm-Ra's talk, but they haven't seen him pony up to any of his claims.
That's when Mumm-Ra bellows, "YOU DARE TO TAUNT MUMM-RA?!" Then he does some kind of incantation, and this happens:
Turns out Mumm-Ra can transform from a mummy into some muscled-out dude. And he has a cape, because of course he does. Then he FLIES OUT OF THE TOMB.
While this is happening, Lion-O is still looking for Tigra and Cheetara and comes across a tar pit. He just sticks the Sword of Omens, which has a very valuable jewel in it that everyone seems to want, into the trunk of the nearest tree to bend over and get a better look at what he calls the "black lake." He sticks his finger into the tar and notes that it is hot, sticky, and won't come off.
That's because it's TAR, Lion-O. I realize that this is your time to learn and explore, but jeez. Come on. Surely there was tar on Thundera.
The sword does its glowy thing again, and Lion-O grabs it and ends up face-to-face with Mumm-Ra. He didn't even have to look through his sword viewer this time. Lion-O decides he has to take on Mumm-Ra alone, because he's Lord of the Thundercats. It goes badly.
The sword, of course, sinks into the tar, but Lion-O grabs it out while Mumm-Ra is still cackling like a crazed hobo. Of course, a fight ensues, and it turns out that Mumm-Ra is pretty good at dodging when Lion-O just runs at him, waving the sword around uselessly. It's not looking good for Lion-O right now, folks.
Lion-O decides that it's finally time to call for help. He does the "Thundercats, ho!" thing, and nothing happens because the sword is covered in tar. Mumm-Ra just keeps laughing, because apparently he's evil, but has a strong enough sense of fairness not to kick an opponent while he's down? Instead of attacking, he takes a few moments to taunt Lion-O about his tar-covered sword.
There's some more fighting now.
Mumm-Ra gets Lion-O pinned down, and finally we get to see what the big deal with that stupid Claw Shield is. Lion-O holds it up and it starts to glow. Mumm-Ra sees his corpsey face reflected back at him, and he freaks out a little.
Before we find out what really happens, though, we get to see Cheetara and Tigra checking out a cave in the face of a mountain. Cheetara says she thought she heard the "Thundercat Roar," whatever the hell that is, and pulls Tigra away from the mountain to go check things out.
Now, we go back to Mumm-Ra freaking out over his reflection, and the stupid Thundercats song starts to play, which gives me hope that this episode is practically over. Somehow, the Claw Shield made Mumm-Ra fly away? It's not really clear. He just started grabbing his head and gagging and thrashing, and then he was just...gone. That's all we get. Then everyone else finally shows up to "help."
Mumm-Ra gets back to his tomb and freaks out a little more. He shrinks back down into his mummy form, and the mutants want to know if he was successful, probably because they just want to rub it in that he couldn't get the Eye of Thundera, either. Rather than answer their questions, Mumm-Ra just backs himself into his sarcophagus and shuts the door, because he's Mumm-Ra and he doesn't have to answer their stupid questions.
The mutants are kind of dicks about it, and Mumm-Ra grumbles something about doing it again later.
Lion-O and the Thundercats discuss what scared Mumm-Ra off, and scold/praise him for taking on Mumm-Ra by himself. Cheetara even tells him that it was kind of "courageous."
As always, we end the episode with a bit of Snarf wisdom: "Snarf, snarf. Never had any use for courage myself. It just gets them as has it into trouble."
UGH. Shut up, Snarf! You can't even use grammar correctly.
Anyway. Next week, we meet the terrifying Robear Berbils. I'm scared already.
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